an anonymous source left this transcript on my doorstep today......
Judge: Will the witness for the prosecution please take the stand.
Bailiff, swear in the witness.
Bailiff: Raise you right paw and swear after me: Do you swear.....(witness is sworn)
Prosecutor: Please state your name and address for the record.
Witness: Alponssssee Droolsalot Jr the 14thssss
Judge: Bailiff please give the witness some tissues to wipe that up (tissues given)
Witness: Elopor outsssside of EloPortassssee
Prosecutor: Please state what you saw on the 8th day of the 3rd week last month for the Judge and jury.
Witness:Your Judgesssshhip, I apologizsssse in advancsse for the sssplight sssspeeecsssh impediment our kind are afsssflicted wisssth. (wipes) I wassthh out enjoying naturesss glorioussssnesssthh withss my niecessse and nefffphew Ssspitssalopossee and Ssspetunia, when my niecessse Ssspetunnia fell into a hole. We tried to retieveee her from the dark depppthe, (wipes) but were unable to. I yelled for my nefffphew Ssspitssalopossee to run and fetccssh sssome help. He ran assss fassspt assss hissth little legsse could carry him to the nearby town of EloPortassssee to fetccssh an inhabitant for assssssitancsse. To my horror (starts to futilely wipe the tears streaming from his eyes) Isaw ssssaw him (stands and points at the defendant) raissse hissse arm holding a totem and brutally and sssavegely pummel my sssweeet nefffphew Ssspitssalopossee to a bloody pulp. I could do nothppping to help assss I was to far away. (sobs heavily) He... he killed him before my very eyeeessse, beating him ssspavegly and vssiccssiousssly, and after he wasssee dead he beatsssse him ssssome more. By the time I reacsssssed my sssweeet nefffphew Ssspitssalopossee, there wasssspse nothppping lessft of him but a broken bone sfragment and a piecssee of bloody meat from hisssst leg.
Prosecutor: For the record Alphonse Droolsalot Jr the 14th, you are identifying the defendant as the perpetrator of this heinous act?
Witness: Yesssse ssssir, it wasssse him (points at defendant) that man there what callsssse himsssphelfff fffPssseudonym84. Why, why? He wasssse jusssst a little boy looking for a helping hand. And that isssph not the only time, I havssee heard from otherssse who ssssaw him usssing hammmerssse and axxsssseees on othersssse of our kind, sspflinging arrowsssee into mere children looking for treatsssse and kindnesssse from him. (witness breaks down into a blubbering soggy mess)
Prosecutor: Your Honor, we rest our case.
Judge: The jury shall now be escorted out to deliberate on the verdict.